Do you believe that God loves you?
I do believe that God loves me, to an extent. The fact that the Creator of the universe wants a relationship with me doesn’t seem real or possible...but it is, He does! Of course He does. And the same goes for you! Why? How can I be so sure? He sent His own son to die so this can be true (John 3:16). The veil is torn (Matthew 27:51). He is now available to us, always (Matthew 28:20).
So why do I avoid communion with Him? In this life I have taught myself to hide as a coping mechanism. A mechanism I was desperate to develop because I did have something to hide. It was something that I didn’t need to hide and shouldn’t have carried alone for 11 years of my childhood/teen years. It was something that happened to me that wasn’t my fault, but shame made me believe that it was. Shame made me believe I had to hide and not be found out. This turned me into a hard-hearted, defensive and critical human. I still fight it to this day - my natural, self-taught response to the threat of being found out. If only I could go back and tell my 7 year old self not to hide, but to tell someone!
This is why I avoid vulnerable communion with Jesus. I don’t want to be seen, I must have something to hide. These are lies. The truth is, He sees me and loves me. He knows me and wants to meet me in this place of my fear of really being seen. He wants me to let it go as He wraps His loving and understanding arms around me. Vulnerability takes courage. Letting my guard down is scary.
God, meet me here, in my fear and shame. Cover me in Your truth and love.
God knows me...but He wants me to know Him back. I can’t do that if I’m not willing to be honest, open and vulnerable with Him.
Jesus, will you have me: this broken, weak, undisciplined, stubborn, and closed off vessel...help me to let You see. The shame and hiding bring bondage, not freedom. In the garden, Adam and Eve responded in fear and shame when they sinned against God; but, He sought them out. The first animal was sacrificed to clothe them, to cover them (Genesis 3:7-9, 21)...and later, His son was our sacrifice, our covering. Is that not enough for me to realize that He, Father God, not only loves me but desires for me to love Him as well?
Open my eyes, Jesus. I don’t need to run and hide, I need to confess, repent, and accept your grace pouring over me. Come into the dark and broken places inside of me. Consume me with your light so it can pour out from my cracks for others to see. And maybe, just maybe, that light shining through the cracks will invite them in to the Holy of Holies too, so they can be set free!
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
John 8:36 ESV